I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
