I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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