I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
