you would pick up someone in the library
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
