you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
