just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
