Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
What a dumb baby whore.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
