the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
