Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
