dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
