Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
