Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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