You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
