just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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