She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
