Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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