I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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