Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
