and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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