ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
