If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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