I heard we made out
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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