I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
