Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
