Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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