It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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