Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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