rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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