well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
