I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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