Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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