Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
