Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
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