Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
