This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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