Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
