Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i drank out of a bidet.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
