it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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