Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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