when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
