Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
