In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
