I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
