wanna go halves on a baby?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
