Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
