just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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