I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
