i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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