I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
