he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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