my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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